Love Never Dies

11      As a medium, I see loss and grief on a regular basis and this time of year always affects me more than any other. Many people are grieving over their loved ones, especially those missing their mothers and the mothers who are longing to reconnect with their children. I thought, since I had such a unique perspective I would share with you what I know from my experience.
People die but love never does. Love burns strong in our hearts and spirits while we journey through the dimly lit path grief. We create love in every tender embrace, loving memory, and kind word. The love we create remains the strongest bond between souls. It’s what keeps us connected long after the body dies. Love grows and love changes but it never dies. When I connect with your loved ones they always have loving messages for you. If you worry what they think of your life, they love and accept you. If you lost them suddenly, they know how much you love and miss them. If you have apologized to them silently, they heard. If they need to apologize, they do and will accept responsibility for their mistakes. If you need for them to be there for you, they always will. If it’s your child, their spirits are with you every moment you need them and they are doing fine. Love keeps us connected.

It doesn’t matter how they died, who they were, how they lived or mistakes either of you made, they are always with you when you need them and sometimes even when you don’t. Their personalities and humor are still intact so if you loved a practical joker, they’re still playing jokes and if you loved someone who was warm and generous, they are nurturing family on the other side. They see what is happening in your life and come close during hard times. They see you cry for them and hear you pray. They read the letters you write and hear the stories you tell. They were at their service, when you spread their ashes or got that tattoo in their honor. They visit you often in scents, electrical disturbances, music, dreams, chills and goosebumps as well as serendipitous moments. They are with you at special occasions, birthdays, anniversaries,graduations and the births of children. They visit your children and pets and keep you company on lonely nights while you sit and watch TV. They are with you because they love you. Our souls are simply connected by the bonds of love.

If your heart is hurting, please look for signs and talk to your loved ones. They want to connect with you just as much as you want to connect with them. They are there no matter what the relationship. Love never dies. Much kindness and love to all of you this Mother’s Day weekend.
PS: Pets too!

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Help to Heal a Broken Heart

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A couple of weeks ago, I taught a class primarily focused on moving into love after heartbreak. Sometimes, moving away from the past and into a new life for ourselves can be difficult especially when things don’t turn out the way we like or want. It’s happened to me dozens of times and I’m sure it’s happened to you, too. Here’s a few helpful reminders if you’re feeling a little stuck.

1. We often go back to relationships we know aren’t good for us because we want the pain to stop. I can’t count how many times I’ve done this and seen this way of coping. Who wants to suffer through the pain of a broken heart? Who wants to lose someone they love? I know I don’t. When we are in that much pain we want it to stop so we naturally lean toward the solution that makes the pain end faster but I would encourage you to ask yourself this question: Were both you and your partner authentically happy in this relationship and if not, are you both willing to work to repair it? If you answered no, then consider your options: getting back together with a continued level of long term ‘meh’ or a short period of grief and sadness followed by opportunity for something new and growth.
2. Get support and ask your friends for help. Make sure the people who care for you know what is happening so you don’t have to go through it alone.
3. Don’t take it personally. People do and say horrible things. It’s often about how they are feeling inside and should be considered carefully before being taken to heart.
4. Trust yourself. You know that last relationship, where you sensed something was wrong but let circumstances or other people talk you out of listening to your inner voice? You may not have listened to it at the time but you learned something. You learned that inner voice is your GPS for life and now you know what it feels like. That’s your power and there’s no need to give it away now. As you heal, you learn that you came away from heartache better, stronger and more in tune with yourself.
5. Don’t be attached to the outcome. The more tightly you hold on to the way things HAVE TO, MUST or SHOULD work out, the fewer results you will see. Allow things to flow naturally, without pressure or control.
6. Be gentle with yourself and others. There are always two sides to every relationship. You’re not completely to blame and you’re not completely blameless. Accept only the responsibility that is yours, learn from it and move forward. Forget about blame because it will keep you stuck.
7. Allow yourself to get pissed off. Write a mean letter and burn it. Listen to break up songs that make you feel empowered. Kickbox, run, swim, any type of exercise. Get it out of your system but don’t engage with the person who hurt you. This is for you, not them. Resist the urge to send the mean email, text or voicemail.
8. Allow yourself to be sad with self-imposed limitations. For example, it’s totally fine to have a pity party. It’s fine to feel all the sadness, frustration and hurt but don’t stay stuck in it.
9. If it hurts, don’t stay friends. Ideally, we could all stay connected to the people we once truly loved but if it causes you heartbreak or you’re thinking there may be a chance one day and you’ll wait, I encourage you to move on. If things are meant to come back around, they will but in the meantime, there is no reason to draw out the heart break.
10. Withdraw your energy from the situation. Often in the spiritual world this is referred to as cutting cords. We tend to attach the energy (cord) to each other. It’s our natural tendency toward other souls. You may still be attached to someone even if they aren’t in your life or vice-versa. Visualize yourself unplugging this person from your energy and refilling the hole left behind with love and light.
11. The universe has got your back. Regardless of your beliefs, a higher power is divinely guiding things toward your souls highest and best good. It’s true! Bigger and better things await!
Remember to be kind to yourself until you heal. There will be other relationships and more love for you.

Thank you for reading,

Kim Moore-Psychic/Medium/Spiritual Counselor & Teacher

The Great Adventure of Loving Yourself

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I have news to share!  I am going to lose 100 lbs this year and you are going to see me do it, by reading about it.  🙂 I have always been overweight since I was a kid.  I attribute it to genetics, poor eating habits, and my experiences growing up and into adulthood.  There have been many false starts in the past and I think it really boils down to just being in a good place in my life and wanting to give myself some love. That’s a tough one: loving yourself.  I think it’s taken me about 25 years to figure that one out.  The first time I heard that was from a teacher when I was in high school. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about but I remember feeling completely dumbfounded by that statement. The most important thing I’ve learned about how to do that is:

Be kind in your self-talk.

I am definitely my own worst critic. I get frustrated with myself over the smallest things and fill my brain with have to’s, must have’s, shoulds and need-to’s all day long!  I nag myself!  How is that even possible? Well, obviously it is, but you get my point! I don’t like it when people nag me and I like it even less when I do it to myself. I criticize and berate myself at times. It’s awful, but the good news is I do it much less now than the last time I was reminded to love my self. I imagined what those critical, diminutive voices might look like outside my body.  They are the voices of the past.  The voices that told me right and wrong, normal and weird, plus all the other judgments that were handed down and around throughout in my life. Some of those voices come from family, friends, teachers, clergy, community and culture. How do you get rid of that? The most simple way to answer it is this.  Your mind is a garden, watered by love and it receives light from your attention/intention. You can grow anything you would like in your garden from the happiest of endings to the most dire of circumstance. The garden is always your property and it’s only your responsibility. Like all gardens, the way to keep it the most beautiful is to shine light, water and weed!  Weed your garden.  Be mindful of the weeds with prickers and long roots.  Some will require deeper digging and the weeds can pop up at any time.  Sometimes, they show up when you aren’t looking but with time and attention to your garden, you can keep it well maintained. The best gardeners talk to the flowers because they know it helps them grow faster.  They say things like, “It will be ok and if it isn’t, I’ll manage'” or “I deserve better than this.”. Those gardeners gIve the flowers love, excitement and kindness like we would give a child learning to walk for the first time.

My garden still has a lot of weeds and some days I just don’t want to deal with it but, on the days I do, I often feel rewarded in ways I can only describe as heavenly. My heart opens more, I love the world a little more and it becomes easier to breathe. I want that for you. Weed your garden.

One of my weeds, one of the biggest in the entire garden, relates to how I feel about my weight. I have read in a few different self-help books that said people gain weight as a way to protect themselves.  I can definitely connect with that theory.  As a young girl, I experienced several situations where I was very vulnerable. According to RAINN, (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), 1 in 6 women experiences sexual abuse in their lifetime. Of those assaults, 44% are to girls under the age of 18 and 80% are under 30. That is only what is reported. There is also a correlation between significant weight gain and traumatic experiences in women, according to experts in the field of psychology. I was molested, lived in a home where there was domestic violence, and came very close to being raped twice before I was 19 years old. As an adult, I have experienced significant loss and betrayal that was incredibly difficult.  My weight kept me safe and has been a comfort in some ways. I can’t really explain that, it’s just something I feel.  In the past when I have begun a weight loss journey, I began to get sad or anxious, like I was experiencing the pain of those situations all over again.  Had I stored them in my body? Absolutely!  It was only until I realized this and looked at those situations in my past more closely that I have been able to make this choice.  Now for the first time, I feel I can’t go back to feeling or thinking that way and I am ready to start. This time, I will let others see. I don’t need to protect myself the way I used to.  I can be vulnerable and safe all at the same time and ultimately that’s the most liberating part.

I know I am not the only one. Loving yourself, at this point in my life means losing weight. For you, it might mean something completely different.  Maybe it’s to end a situation or relationship that doesn’t serve you anymore, or to quit smoking.  Whatever it is, join me! It will be a great adventure.

I will be posting weekly about my weight loss as well as intermingling some other topics about health and nutrition as well as spiritual insights. Posts will usually arrive on Thursday or Friday each week.  I encourage you to post and share your story.Subscribe if you want to keep updated because I only send the ReadingsByKim newsletter with the reminder quarterly.

Happy New Year

Hello to all of you,

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday season. The beginning of the year can be a great opportunity to create new goals, plans and dreams for the coming year. Many of us create New Year’s Resolutions but studies suggest we are not usually successful in these new endeavors. I have spent several years creating a powerful way to begin my new year that I would like to share with you.

Step 1: Forget the specific resolutions like, “I will lose weight”, “I will make more money”, “I will be on time every day” or “I will stop procrastinating”. While these are commendable things to change, there are better words that can be used to manifest these things in your life. For example, instead of “I will lose weight”, say, “I am healthier and will continually become healthier throughout this year.” The “I am” statement is powerful. You are saying that you have already begun the process and that it isn’t something that will one day happen. Consider the language you use. When you use words like “should”, ‘have to’, ‘need to’, and must, there is an energy of pressure that isn’t necessary or helpful in manifesting changes. The word ‘try’ can always imply a chance that your resolution won’t work out. Pay attention to your words, they become your reality.

Step 2: Write it down. After you think of how you want to put it out to the universe, get it on paper.

Step 3: Choose a time of year that feels right to you. I have noticed over the years that I don’t feel like it’s a New Year until around the beginning of February. I listen to my body and it’s natural rhythms and February just works best for me. It seems that I start my year in February, end it in December and use the month of January for reflection and hibernation. Find a time that works for you so you can manifest your 2014.

Step 4: Have a ceremony. Each year around the beginning of February, usually around the new or full moon, I create a ceremony to manifest my new year. I will light a candle and write my resolutions on it. For example this year I will write: Love, Peace, Prosperity, Balance, Health, Partnership, Creativity, Abundance and Gratitude. I often will burn my handwritten wishes for manifestation as well.

Step 5: Don’t be attached to when and how your manifesting happens. Trust the process. This, I think, is the most difficult step. Often, the things we want to change we want right now. If we don’t see immediate results or changes, we become discouraged and will sometimes go back to our old selves. Change is a process and takes time. Trust that God, the universe, spirit or whatever you believe has got your back and will give you what you need when you are ready. Trust the process.

I hope you all have a blessed and prosperous new year. Look for more blog entries this year.
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Life Unexpected!

As many of you know, I recently went to study in New York with mediums John Holland and Janet Nohavec.  It was an amazing class and trip that was both healing and educational and wonderful!

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I wanted to share a little story with you.

Our class ended Friday afternoon and I wanted to make sure I stopped at Carlo’s Bake Shop (Cake Boss) in Hoboken, New Jersey before my flight left at 9am.  I needed to bring my kids some eclairs. After driving 2 1/2 hours through Manhattan, we arrived at the airport.  I was exhausted and irritated plus, I missed my children after being away for a week.  We arrived 2 hours before the flight and I thought, “I am finally early for something!”  We got to the counter and I presented my ticket.  The man said my flight wasn’t for that night and I was so upset with myself for not checking the date. I went back to the rental car desk and they wouldn’t give me my car back even though I had paid for the additional night. After crying in the airport and calling my kids to tell them to pick me up the next night, I sat in the airport with a dying cell phone figuring out what to do.
I called my dad, who lives in New york, but whom I had only recently met and begrudgingly, I asked for help. I am a work in progress.  I have a hard time asking for help and accepting it. He happily picked up my friend and I, and let us stay at his house.  He even had a car I could use the next day and would take me to the airport the next day. The night was getting better and after reflecting on the situation and listening to my heart for awhile, I started thinking of how awesome the next day could possibly be and all the different things I would love to do during an extra day on Long Island.

The next day we got up around 9 and left by 10 am.  We went and had the best bagels ever for breakfast. We then traveled out to Montauk Point, saw the lighthouse and then drove down to a beautiful beach. Sitting on the beach on a cool October afternoon was amazing.  The sand was still warm and I could sink my fingers and toes into the sand, listening to the waves crash on the shore. It was a different world there. I could write a whole book describing the awesome-ness of those 3 hours on the beach. 

After the beach we stopped by a restaurant in the Hamptons for a lobster roll; also delicious. You could hear the beach from the patio of the restaurant.  We got back just in time to throw our suitcases in the car and get to the airport 40 minutes before our flight.  I was still in my flip flops with sand between my toes. When I got back to Denver and saw my kids, it made my day. Overall, in 24 hours, things completely turned around and it was truly the best day ever.

Peace, Love and Flips Flops,

Kim

A story of kindness

As many of you know, I got started on my path as a psychic and a medium when my best friend and partner, Mike, committed suicide in September 2004. For many years, I really considered his death the pivotal turning point in making me who I am today, but recently, I realized it wasn’t, at least not entirely. So here’s what else happened that changed my outlook on life and people, made me a kinder, more loving, more forgiving person and shed some light into a very dark place in my history.
In August 2004, I was a mess. I was 8 ½ months pregnant, tired, broke and a single mom of 3 children. Mike and I were barely together and I was in a place in my heart where I was about to give up on him and move on. I felt overwhelmed with the upcoming birth of another child with Mike, unsupported by my own family, and tired of my life, my job, my inner circle. I didn’t feel as though I had much support and I had very few friends. I knew that I would have to go back to work immediately after having my baby in order to pay basic bills and the plan was that Mike would watch the baby until he was 6 weeks old and could start day care. That was the plan, anyway.
I was embarrassed about the state of my life. I wanted to tell people close to me what was happening but I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. I was scared to be vulnerable and let anyone in. Inevitably, I did tell a few people while Mike was in the hospital after he had shot himself. I would call in each day and talk to my friends at work. I cried most days as I spoke with them and they knew the situation. I appreciated that they were there for me each day and let me vent and cry as I struggled to get through. By September 12, Mike was gone. If I was a mess before, I was a disaster now. What was I going to do? I couldn’t pull myself out of my grief to go to work and I had a baby due any day, with no child care for 6 weeks. How was I going to take care of my kids, put food on the table, make my house payment? Then some things happened, something miraculous, that I have never forgotten.
I reconnected with my mother whom I had been estranged from for over a year. She came and helped me setup the nursery and put the crib together. My daughter’s Girl Scout leader and her church brought me blankets and items for my baby. Friends and family stopped by to check on me and make sure I was ok. I was too overwhelmed with grief to think about being strong so I allowed others to care for me, which was totally new and different. Michael was born at 1:58 am on September 22nd, exactly 10 days and 1 min after Mike had passed away.
On September 24th, my son, Michael was barely two days old and we attended Mike’s funeral. I felt scared and alone, with my kids because I wasn’t any part of Mike’s family. When I turned and looked behind me in the crowded venue where the funeral was held I saw the people I worked with because they had come to support me. I felt so much better and at ease. I couldn’t tell you the timing of the following events but they all happened so quickly, I felt like I was in a daze. I went into work the following week and was handed an envelope full of money. My friends had raised money for me so I could stay home with my new son and meet expenses but that wasn’t all they did. At the time, I worked for TuffShed and the owner of the company had allowed employees to donate personal vacation time so I could have paid time off for the next 6 weeks. People gave me the time with their families and time away from work to help. I still cannot fully express my deep and unending gratitude to all the people who were there for me without ever being asked. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how deeply touched I was by these acts of kindness. Somewhere, deep down, I was changed and forever touched by the kindness of strangers and friends alike.
These are the things that change people and touch their very souls. Kindness, in any form, can never be underestimated. The effects of acts of kindness from almost 9 years ago ripple through my heart today. If there is something kind I can do for another or help in any way, I will. It’s my way of paying it backward and forward. The biggest reason I do what I do is because the day I received my first medium reading from Deb Sheppard on the radio in October 2004, I felt so much relief and joy, I wanted to pay it back, a million times over. When you start changing the way you see the world from unsafe to loving things can change and get so much better. When you can start giving with all the love and kindness you can achieve people treat you differently. The world becomes a friendlier, more welcoming place. I encourage all of you who read this to perform random acts of kindness. Let the love in your heart shine. You never know whose life you may change, for the better.
“Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle”-Plato

The Beginning of Us.

I read an article the other day called, “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother’ that was on the Huffington Post.  The author discussed her problems with her son and the mental health care system in the United States.  She shared her story and she inspired me to share mine.

I have four children.  Two have mental health concerns.  One son, has been diagnosed with ADHD and conduct disorder. For several years, I didn’t take him for treatment because I had heard that so many kids were being over medicated and didn’t really have ADHD.  I did my child a disservice by doing this because with therapy and medication he has made amazing improvements in his school work and social interactions, although he still struggles.

My youngest son has an undiagnosed problem.  He has severe tantrums at home and at school over the smallest things.  I don’t know what will set him off. He goes to an amazing school where the school psychologist and faculty all work with him on a daily basis.  He is supported and home and loved by his family. Unfortunately, he may have to switch to a central school for children with special needs even though he is warm, caring, social and highly intelligent.  While in the process of trying to get him to a psychiatrist to help diagnose the problem, I have hit many roadblocks.  The majority of behavioral programs in our county are full and that is my only option for my insurance.  I found him an intake finally, after months of searching but after the intake, they say it may take 8-10 weeks to get him an appt.  At least that is something.  He is only 8 years old and struggles every day to control his temper and outbursts.  It is hard, as his mother to watch him cry and see the pain as he tries to deal with something he cannot control. Last year, the school documented 43 days where he had to be picked up and caused significant problems from property destruction to running out of the school and into the neighborhood. This year I have only had to go 5 times because he has a safe place to run and hide and he works daily with the school psychologist and an intervention program.

I am lucky enough to have insurance.  I am lucky enough to have him in a school where he is loved and supported.  I am lucky to have his little soul in my care.  Not everyone is so lucky.  Parents struggle with the stigma of childhood mental illness every day. Many people point to parents or families as the cause of childhood problems.  That is not always the case.

I returned to school after beginning my work as a psychic for mental health counseling.  I saw the need in some clients to connect with their soul but also with their hearts and mind. Adults, not just children struggle with mental illness every day.  At least half of people reading this will have suffered with depression or some other mental illness at one time in their life or eventually will.

It is difficult for me to understand why we go to the doctor for everything except our most important organ, our brain. People label their depression as just sadness that will go away or say that others are just being dramatic. Other mental illnesses are called crazy, psycho, etc.  Would we say the same things to someone with cancer or other life threatening illness?

It was President Kennedy who last worked on significant mental health reform in this country by passing legislation to help many people with intellectual disabilities, mental health problems and their families.  It’s time we change, as a community and understand that mental health problems are really about a sick brain, not a crazy person.  Some things are preventable and treatable and some are not but every single one of us is worth the effort.

We can, as a community, eliminate the stigma.  Together.  There is no us and them.  Only  us. We can treat each other with love and compassion. We can lean on each other in hard times and help our community. We can acknowledge our own mental health concerns and seek treatment, unafraid of labels and stigma. This is what the end of the world, predicted in the Mayan calendar was all about.  It wasn’t about the Earth or civilization disappearing.  It was about us coming together and changing our whole attitude about others.  It’s an end, in some ways,  of the individual and the beginning of the community. As Ghandi said, we can be the change we want to see in the world, so let’s do it.  Together.

It’s not you. It’s me. Really.

I want to say, before I begin this blog, that self-awareness is a difficult task for everyone. I think it’s pretty hard to accept who we are and our own challenges individually but relationships can amplify these challenges if they go unchecked.  This entry is dedicated to understanding the behaviors and attitudes we may have in our relationships that might be screwing things up.  It is so much easier to notice what another person is doing as opposed to noticing your own sabotaging behaviors and working to change them.  Remember: the only person who you have control over changing is you.  You cannot change your partner. It is up to them to make their own changes. Here is a list of the top 10 sabotaging behaviors and tips (PART 2) on how to make changes.

Here is a tip to help you through this list.  Focus on you first.  Do not go through this list the first time connecting it to all the things your partner is doing.  Try to be honest with yourself and see if you do any of these things. Your partner may do some of these things too, but, the point is to look at what you do. Pay attention to any of these things you may do with family, friends and co-workers, because they count as relationships too.

1.  Insecurity.  Insecure people really appreciate being comforted and attract people that are givers and like to feel needed.  Often insecure people appear vulnerable and are open to leaning on and sharing things with their partner. In the beginning, this will attract those who like to ‘save’ or ‘rescue’. Over time, if the person’s confidence doesn’t improve and the insecurity remains unchecked many things can happen.

The insecure partner may:

  • begin to focus more on how long the relationship will last instead of being in the moment and enjoying the experience
  • lead to hyper-vigilance and obsessing about even the slightest changes in their significant other.
  •  lead to feeling threatened over other relationships your partner may have, even with friends, family and co-workers.
  • cause anxiety over your partner leaving and may create a constant need for reassurance.

I have to say that, in my humble opinion, long-term insecurity by one or both partners will definitely cause problems in a relationship.  No matter how much two people love each other anxiety, possessiveness, jealousy and the constant need for reassurance can sabotage a relationship.

2. Control Issues. Controlling people are some of the best at paying attention to their partners. Maybe too much attention to every little detail, including how they perform everyday tasks to how long it takes them to get home from work each day. Those that are overbearing or controlling may feel a need to run every aspect of their partner’s life.  The idea that they are more competent and obligated to help their partner live their life ‘correctly’ is deeply ingrained within them.  They may have seen this growing up in their families or may just be fearful of being controlled themselves.  Whatever the reason, controlling behaviors can sabotage a relationship.

The controlling partner may:

  • only feel comfortable if they are making the rules and feel resentment when they are told what to do
  • have past partners that complain about controlling behaviors
  • punish their partner for not doing what they want (passive aggressive behavior or outright punishment like withholding sex or intimacy)
  • insist on having their way over the direction of the relationship

People who are controlling often can create problems in their relationships by not allowing their partner to participate fully in the relationship potential for happiness, thus ending any with this person. In the beginning, controlling people may seem like an expert caretaker but over time they create a situation where their partner must rely on them.  Controlling people usually do not encourage their partners to be self-sustaining unless it is by the established rules.

3. Fear of Intimacy:  At some point, I think we all become a little fearful of intimacy and closeness.  Relationships require us to partner with another person and lose some of our personal independence. It’s natural and healthy to feel a little scared especially as we become closer to our partners and begin to become more vulnerable. People with a fear of intimacy that is sabotaging both want the connection and support of a relationship but may also expect disaster or feel trapped. They are often labeled ‘commitment-phobes”and cannot tell the difference between a deepening commitment and feeling trapped.

A person with a fear of intimacy may:

  • run hot and cold in the relationship
  • retreat from relationships when they get too close
  • feel a deep desire to connect but when that is reciprocated they feel trapped
  • have partners say that they don’t trust that they are loved anymore
  • become an expert at getting their partner to take them back when they have given up

Sometimes a fear of intimacy looks like the pursuit of a relationship to only become cold and distant when the object of your affection returns your advances.  Sometimes a fear of intimacy can be demonstrated by only choosing partners that are emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable and distant. We trick ourselves into believing we aren’t scared of being vulnerable by choosing people who do not engage our vulnerability but once they do we often become uninterested or create conflicts. No one wants to be hurt in any relationship but avoiding the experience doesn’t protect us from being hurt, it also stops you from having a deep, meaningful partnership where things might just work out. Those who avoid intimacy may be enticing because they are always just a bit out of reach.

4. Needing to Win Debates and arguments can be healthy parts of relationships. Competitive people can be challenging and fun to interact with. We can learn a lot about compromise by arguing, as long as it doesn’t deteriorate into a yelling match or we stop listening to each other. As people, we naturally have our own opinions and ideas about life, love, health, money and work. We are all different and often it is our deeply held values and beliefs that we share with our partners.  People who need to win generally seek out people who are willing to engage in the challenge or those who give in easily.  When we need to be right in every conflict, it doesn’t allow our partners to have a say or opinion that can be validated.

A person who needs to win (or be right) may:

  • Consistently have to have the last word or prove that their partner is wrong
  • risk intimacy and closeness just to prove a point
  • will assume a fighting stance when they feel challenged
  • be a sore loser

Constant arguments or battles will leave your partner feeling weakened and eventually destroy the love you once had.  No one wants to fight and argue all the time but once the argument has begun, a person who needs to win cannot back down, no matter what is at stake. Sometimes the person who needs to win may act like there is nothing wrong after an argument.  They expect their partners to fight, accept defeat or leave. It is impossible to be ‘right’ all the time.

5. Pessimism Negative people attract those who love to help. This is a tough one because pessimism is a way that people cope with bad experiences.  A person who is pessimistic usually has experienced multiple losses or had many bad experiences in relationships.  Pessimism is also a way that families may teach children to deal with disappointment.  Children are not pessimistic but adults are.  People who are pessimistic are beacons for optimistic and hopeful people like Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore or Cindy Lou-Who and the Grinch.

People who are pessimistic may:

  • invalidate their partner’s devotion because they don’t think it will last or it’s untrue
  • have past partners who have said nothing makes them happy.
  • reject hopeful outcomes because they don’t think that happens to them
  • feel uncomfortable when they are too happy
  • attract partners who are more hopeful or optimistic

Pessimistic people can be tough for even the greatest optimist to deal with.  Long-term pessimism can erode and destroy a relationship. Often this is especially hard to overcome for people who are pessimistic and depressed but it is not insurmountable.

6. Needing to be the Center of Attention People who need to be the center of attention often love to be center-stage. All conversations become about them regardless of how they began.  People who have been neglected or overindulged as kids may fall into this category.  Often they talk too much and do not see or acknowledge social cues that they are overloading people. These people may not intend to be overly demanding but they can’t stop the desire to be the center of attention.

People who need to be the center of attention may:

  • get bored when attention is taken away from them
  • have a hard time being interested in conversations if it’s not about them
  • Verbally monopolize situations and love to have an audience
  • make jokes or diminish the subject of the conversation
  • withdraw or have tantrums if they can’t have their way
  • feel neglected or unloved if a partner doesn’t put them first

If you do this, it is probably hard to accept.  We don’t like to perceive ourselves as attention seekers. We may not even realize we are doing this until someone points it out.

7. Addiction This is a big topic that I will only be able to cover briefly in this blog.  People with addictive personalities make their lovers feel exciting and desirable. People can be addicted to almost anything, if you think about it.  The things we are addicted to become a third partner in the relationship that competes for attention. We can be addicted to love, sex, drugs, alcohol, work, reassurance, helping, a belief, etc.  The list is limitless and really depends on each of us. Addictions cause us to have intense cravings that cause us to do or say things we later regret.

Addicted people may:

  • hide their behavior when they feel cravings
  • get defensive when their partners hold them accountable for their choices
  • give in to desires that keep them from being the person they want to be
  • have self-destructive behaviors and lose relationships over this behavior
  • be unable to stop destructive behaviors even if their relationship is at stake
  • cause others heartbreak but can’t seem to stop

Addictions distract people from having healthy relationships.  Addictions contribute to many relationships falling apart.  People with extreme addictions to drugs, alcohol or other things may also attract people who are codependent or have a history of family problems with addiction. If you have a severe addiction and are willing to acknowledge it, seek help.

8. Martyrdom Martyred victims make their new partners feel treasured by anticipating their every need. I read that being with a martyr is like having a credit card you can never pay off.  Martyrs encourage their partners to take advantage of their generosity while they grow resentful and suffer silently. Often martyrs were taken advantage of in childhood by their caretakers.  They are amazing at causing self-inflicting wounds and begin relationships with a sense of defeat. Martyrs don’t think they can ever do enough to meet their partner’s needs but also fear their needs will not be reciprocated.

A martyr may:

  • feel used and discarded when a relationship ends
  • have a hard time asking for their needs to be met
  • be proud for asking for so little in the relationship
  • avoid conflict at any cost
  • consistently attract selfish or self-centered partners
  • think they will never be taken care of

Someone who is a martyr eventually will feel resentful and make demands of their partners using guilt and manipulation. They have a tendency to give away their personal power in a relationship and will often let their partner know how much they have given them. Martyrs often feel used and don’t acknowledge that they have put themselves in their current situation.

9. Defensiveness Defensive people are attractive to people who like to escalate arguments. Each and every one of us can be defensive.  Defensiveness makes it hard to listen, learn of change. Most people may feel uncomfortable after an accusation but they will also consider the source and look at the situation objectively or try to.  People who are chronically defensive will not acknowledge things that may be considered faults or behaviors that are hurtful.  People who are defensive may reverse blame, insult another person’s intelligence, make excuses, make dramatic exaggerations, cite exceptions, argue by picking people’s opinions apart or just withdraw completely. 

Defensive people may:

  • find fault in their partner when they feel accused
  • not be able to listen to a complaint without invalidating their partner
  • cannot see themselves through their partners eyes or acknowledge problems within the relationship
  • not be able to stop from defending their actions no matter how they are approached.

Defensiveness can be very tough to deal with and will definitely sabotage a relationship.  Does this sound like something you do? Not every complaint or accusation is true or accurate but it is important to be able to listen and take responsibility for your actions.

10. Breaking Trust  Betraying people can be the biggest relationship saboteur out of anything else on this list. Trust is one of the most important factors in a relationship.  Trust breakers often will do anything to avoid responsibility for their actions.  They do not adhere to the agreed rules of the relationship.  Many people continue to love a trust breaker even if they know that more deception and betrayal lie ahead. The trust breaker will debate the validity of the action that broke the trust and convince their partner to believe in them again.

A trust breaker may:

  • blame their partner when they are clearly responsible for the relationship problem
  • withhold information that may cause their partner to move in another direction
  • consistently choose to do things to betray their partners trust
  • take advantage of their partners trust by telling them things that aren’t true.
  • stay with someone else that is a trust breaker too

I can say from my own experience that this is the ultimate relationship destroyer.  Cheating, lying and shifting blame are an integral part of a relationship with a trust breaker.  Often they will tell you not to trust your own intuition but to trust them instead. Trust breakers attract people who expect to be disappointed but still hope to find the one person that won’t betray them.

So if you do these things, how can you undo it?  Well, like many things in life you cannot change overnight and it is very unreasonable to expect to see a major long-lasting change in a short period of time. I can’t say that at various points in my life I haven’t been guilty of almost all of these.  Whatever reason is the cause of these behaviors, we are each capable of great change. We have it in us to recognize our limitations and challenges with honor and validation instead of criticism and disdain.  We are all a mess at one point or another.  It’s the human condition, but, it’s what we do with these challenges that defines us and strengthens us.  It is important to mention that this list is about behavior.  Behavior can be changed and modified.  There is hope in all these situations.

As you read through this you may notice some of these behaviors in your partner. I will be posting a blog in a couple of months called, “Should I stay or Should I go” that is designed to help you decide if you and your partner are willing to do the work to make your relationship work or if you may be happier leaving and finding someone new. Focus on the behaviors you have from this list and work on changing those.

Chapter 2: The Messy Business of Being in Love

ImageLove relationships haven’t really been my thing. I can’t say I am an expert at what to do but I definitely am an expert in what not to do. In love I have been cheated on and been the cheater.  I have been lied to and been the liar. I have been the giver and I have been the taker.  I have had moments of victory and moments of absolute defeat.  I have made so many mistakes, I have lost count but through all these experiences, I became better.  I have become a better partner, a better friend, a better human and a better soul.  If my trials and tribulations entertain, inspire action or thought or illicit any emotion to even one person, then the purpose is served.

Aha moment #1

I’m ok, you’re ok.

We all screw things up. Accept your imperfection and now that you are perfectly imperfect. It’s a beautiful thing when you can stop judging others and yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

ImageAha moment #2

Fatherly advice

In January of this year I talked to my dad for the first time since I was a very little girl. I talked to him about my relationships and struggles I have had and he gave me some very valuable advice. He said two things.  First, he said, trust is like virginity and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Second, he said, that whatever you are uncomfortable with in the beginning of the relationship will set the tone for the rest of it.  How did I get through my life and not know that?  Or did I know it all along and refuse to listen? Trust can be rebuilt and relationships can change but it takes work. Two people committed to making it work.

Aha moment #3

Miss Fix-it gets taken down a peg

After a really bad breakup last summer (2011) I was sitting with my friend  eating lunch and telling her my whole sad story. I was going on and on about how used I felt, how my ex was so broken, how I wished he would just change, how betrayed I felt, etc. (It’s a long sob story). Anyway, she turned and looked at me and said, “You sound codependent’.  I thought, “No I am not. Codependency for people who enable alcoholics and drug addicts,  Right?”  Wrong!  To sum it up you might be co-dependent if:

You think you can fix people, change them, or make them better.

You give ‘til it hurts and then some.

You think and feel responsible for other people’s actions

You feel pity, anxiety or guilt when other people have a problem.

You feel compelled to help, even when it isn’t asked for like giving unwanted advice and suggestions or trying to fix feelings.

You try to please others instead of yourself.

You are attracted to needy people or they seem to be attracted to you.

You feel angry, victimized, unappreciated or used.

You feel resentment for giving help and not getting anything back.

Sound familiar to anyone? It did for me.  I am co-dependent through and through.  It doesn’t have to be someone with a drug or alcohol problem. You can also be co-dependent with people have severe emotional problems as well. There are millions of us and many of us have been taught that this is how we are supposed to be.  We learn these behaviors from family, friends, loved ones, society and our culture.  If this sounds like something that applies to you, I have a suggestion.  Read this book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I read this book and threw it at the wall more times than I can count. I felt like someone was writing a book about my deepest dark places that I never wanted to share. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me and I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with you.  We all make mistakes. We all do the best we can with what we know.  Awareness of our messed-up-ed-ness only makes us stronger.  I am still a fixer, but now I focus on myself instead of others. I try to only give advice when asked.  I try not to judge others who have the same issue because it isn’t an overnight fix. I learned these behaviors and low self-esteem at a young age. I have been co-dependent, at least, since the 5th grade. How do I know this?  In 5th grade my elementary school thought they would put funny statements about each 5th grader as a ‘Last Will and Testament’ in our yearbooks. Mine said, “Kim will always help you…whether you want it or not.” ….and that’s what a co-dependent 5th grader looks like. 🙂

This is a video on 10 signs of codependency.  I have not read his book but this video is pretty enlightening and a quick way to see if you are codependent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmKMXe3nRTA&feature=related

OK, this is enough for one day.  I’m all blogged out.

Blogs will be posted every Tuesday.

Coming soon:

Why we compete with other women for men? Infidelity and Rebuilding trust

How we sabotage relationships? (10 things we do that screw us up)

Should I stay  or should I go? (Questions to ask yourself)

The ultimate betrayal: Giving away your power and trusting others instead of yourself

If I leave, what about the kids? How do we get along if the kids are involved?

How do I forgive? How do I let this go?  How do I move on? How do I get over someone I still love?

Thank you for reading and please come back if you are interested in more on this topic.

Love and butterflies,
Kim Moore
Psychic/Medium/Spiritual Counselor and Teacher
www.ReadingsByKim.com
720-275-1431

Chapter 1: The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

  It took me months to write this blog.  I put it off, much like I put off many things that involve adult responsibility. Why do I do this? Because I am a procrastinator and    an avoid-er.. Are you?  If you are, then read away because this is just for you.

For the past few months, I have been trying to delve into the ‘why’ of my procrastination. I have been like this my whole life but I think as I have gotten older and  acquired more responsibility it has actually gotten worse. I read in a book somewhere that you  should try to pay attention to your thoughts so you can catch your why’s.  Catching thoughts is about as easy as catching a butterfly but it is totally possible. I caught some thoughts about why I could never be consistent or push myself to write this blog.  Here goes:

I don’t feel like it.

It isn’t just right today, so I’ll do it when it’s right.

I don’t have time.

No one is gonna read it so why bother.

I’ll take a nap first.

I can’t sit still long enough to do it.

I have too much to do.

And those are my butterflies. My excuses.  You should see my excuses for not vacuuming. I guess I should have bought the book that told me to identify my thoughts because I had no idea what to do after that.  I re-read them and basically debunked all of them but then what?  Now that I sorted out my brain I still had no mojo to get anything done.  So I started with the most practical thing I could do and created ‘to do’ list. Those lists were long and overwhelming.  So much to do.  I was discourage. then I took the list and broke it into smaller pieces.  I had a ‘to do’ list for personal stuff, work stuff, school stuff and house stuff.  Pretty original, I know. I figured it would look like I was doing more stuff if I was crossing more off on lists.  Positive reinforcement given to myself! I promised myself I would try to do at least two things off each of the lists each day. Some days I got to one and some days I didn’t even look at the list but in my heart I knew what I wanted to accomplish. I cut myself some slack but not too much to fall into my old habits again. I was nicer to myself when I messed up and pushed myself when I didn’t want to do anything to at least get one thing done. I thought sometimes you just have to push yourself and I did and still do but I never figured out the “why?’ of it all which, according to that book ,was the big ‘a-ha’ moment I should be having to break the curse.

Then, the other day, I am talking with a friend of mine, who also happens to be a therapist and she says, “No wonder you put things off, you have so much responsibility. You always have to wear the mask of parent.”  Aha!  It wasn’t just the parent mask but all the masks: The parent, the psychic, the counselor, the student, the teacher, the daughter, the sister, the girlfriend, etc.  So much responsibility to other people and myself. It was a very uncomfortable realization.  Finally I said, ” I know!  My inner child and inner adult are constantly in a fight.  It’s like Fight Club in me but I don’t wanna talk about it’……and that’s what an Kim ‘A-ha” moment looks like.  You are welcome. By having someone say it to me like that, it opened my eyes.  It is a lot easier to deal with myself if I promise the inner child (little Kim) that I will do something fun or not overwhelm myself that day. Bottomline: I didn’t want to deal with all my stressful and boring tasks so I avoid them.  I avoid them to do things like play a game on my phone, get on Facebook, sleep, watch TV, you name it. So now I try to find balance with stuff I want to do and things I don’t.  It makes such a huge difference in how you feel when you can start crossing things off those lists.  NOt only that but once you face it head on, you feel so much better, lighter even.  It’s a great feeling to face up to your own challenges. Maybe it doesn’t feel great at first but the more you do it, the happier you feel.

Am I a cured procrastinator?  Hell no!  Am I work in progress?  Yes. I know that this is an issue I will always have to be aware of because it has been an integral piece of me for my entire life. It took me 39 years to get this way, so talk to me when I am 78 and I will be cured of procrastination.  Until then, it’s gonna be a bumpy road but as long as I face it and work with my limitations, I know I will conquer it one day.

Link for & tips to deal with procrastination: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/overcoming-procrastination-7-tips-to-get-yourself-going/

Love and butterflies,

Me (Kim Moore)

http://www.ReadingsByKim.com